Changing friendships by Bloom Baby Classes.
Having a baby changes you in many ways as we all know. I didn’t realise how much having a baby would change my relationship with my mum and i didn’t realise or was prepared for how my friendships would change after having a baby. It’s sad to say but I lost many friends after becoming a mum and realised that there are things every mum who has lost a friend should know.
When Ana was 3 months old one of my closest friends at the time was getting married. I had been invited for a weekend away as part of her hen weekend. I was still breastfeeding and Ana wouldn’t take a bottle. My friend didn’t understand how much I was personally struggling, how much I feared leaving the house and how lonely I felt. She also didn’t understand that it was impossible for me to leave Ana. Needless to say that friendship broke down. and the reason was because I had a little person who needed feeding every couple of hours and there was nothing I could do about that. I was almost solely responsible for the life of a tiny human being and as a result couldn’t go away for a weekend and leave her.
There were other friends I obviously didn’t see as often and our friendships faded through no fault of anyone’s and as often friendships do. Friends can often grow in different directions and life in general can get in the way. There are no sour feelings between us, we just realized that life can push people in opposite directions.
I know I am not the only mum to loose friends through motherhood itself or the choices she makes as a parent but having a baby can change your priorities. It can be a hurtful experience where you feel let down - almost like a divorce, they are also often unavoidable and sometimes for the best. I often say all things happen for a reason and most likely when one person leaves your life in such a way a new person is just about to enter it.
Here are my 5 tips to help if you have experienced the loss of a friend since becoming a mum.
Sometimes ending a friendship can be the best thing for you to do.
Yes that’s right, it sounds strange but there are so many people who can be physically toxic and when you get to the roots of that friendship and how they make you physically feel ending that friendship can be the best thing for you and your mental health. Some people can make you question yourself, make you feel low - is that person worth your time?
No more “What if’s”
It will do absolutely no good to spend your time obsessing over the friendship and what may or may not (maybe) have gone wrong. What's done is done; what happened has happened. Don't beat yourself up about what you could have done or what you wish your friend would have done.
Friendships should not be exhausting
A friendship should not be a battle, it should not be about one person putting way to much effort in and getting nothing in return Do not waste your time trying to salvage something that is effectively toxic. Let that person go, focus on you, focus on other healthy friendships, your family , your hobbies, job etc. You should not become emotionally drained trying to keep someone in your life.
Ending your friendship doesn’t mean you just erase those good memories
Just because a friendship has broken down does not mean that you have to forget and file away all those good times you may of had. Everyone changes, life changes and creates different needs from you as a person and different purposes. Reminisce of the good times , appreciate the friendship for what it was then. It's okay to appreciate you time you did have, while realizing that, well, that time has come to an end.
Happiness is key
Your own happiness and feeling as comfortable as you possibly can in your own skin is whats fundamentally important. Do what is right for you, if someone doesn’t understand you, is negative or no longer understands where you are do what is right for you.
I Know from running Bloom Baby Classes and getting to know many of you that some of you have experienced similar situations like this and hope you enjoyed reading this blog.. Since creating Bloom I have met some very amazing individuals that I work alongside and who I am very proud to know. and consider my friends.
To both my business partner and my long standing best friend you support me in so many ways I am so proud to have you both by my side.
Please comment below if you enjoyed this or have a topic you would like me to cover.
Vic x
Do you love your body is it easy to?
Do you love your body? I wonder how many people would answer yes?. Most of us have bits we don’t like, bits we do, bits we hate. Body image is such a tricky issue and we have so many elements tied into it – insecurities, confidence issues including stuff that goes right back to our teenage years and maybe even childhood. Memories from being inside the H&M changing room thinking “Why am I doing this to myself?”
For me personally, having battled with my weight since my teens I always knew that slim was the ideal. Not sure how I knew this and where it came from. Was it from my favorite 80’s TV shows Neighbours or Beverley Hills 90210?! Or was it hearing all the mum of my friends talking about the latest diets?
I remember always comparing my body to other girls and wishing i had a smaller tummy, Fast forward to my 20’s and i was a size 16 and found food a complete comfort, that and lashings of white wine to wash it down with. I was always on a diet and hated every aspect of my body. I took diet pills, drank diet tea or poo tea as i called it as all it did was make you poo and tasted awful! And spent most mornings stood on the scales and getting depressed that I hadn’t lost one pound overnight, despite eating salad ALL WEEK!
It’s only in my late 30s that I’ve had a bit of a “oh well” attitude towards my body. I’m a mum of three children and this is as good as it gets. Running a business and running my children all across the place leaves me no time for the gym (or so i tell myself). Its so ingrained in most of us to look in the mirror and be critical about what we see. That little voice popping up in our head picking flaws about our tummys and boobs. It’s no real surprise growing up in the 80s/90s with all the continuous magazine article on the latest fad diets those things were pretty extreme! These days with running Bloom Baby Classes Stockport and having the girls I’m using up a lot of energy and setting up and packing away of the classes gives me my daily dose of exercise.
Between you and me, I still don’t love my body, I still don’t feel confident about my lumps, i try to cover up at the beach on our holidays. Though I shouldn’t I should be a positive role model to my 3 girls. It’s easy to scream “Love your body!” but it’s another thing actually doing it. What i personally think would help me a little bit more is a change in how women are represented in the media. We are constantly bombarded with imagery of awfully looking underweight women, and this is what needs to stop.
This is where blogging comes in, more and more people are letting us into their lives, average people, average or not average sizes being themselves and letting us into their lives. This is great!! We are no longer being restricted to what the mainstream media want us to see.
So come on ladies, remove that awful filter off your profile pic we all know you weren’t born with animal ears and stop taking profile pics from high up in the air. Show us you are normal like the rest of us and maybe one day we might all become more accepting of ourselves.
How do you feel about your body and what advice would you offer?
Victoria Jennings - Owner Founder of Bloom Baby Classes, Multi Sensory Baby Development classes in Stockport, Cheshire, Manchester, Tameside, Hyde and High Peak.
3 babies, 3 pregnancies, 3 mindsets by Bloom Baby Classes
When i think back to each of my pregnancies they were all fairly different but what stands out each time is my attitude towards each one of them that makes them stand apart the most. I haven’t ever wrote about any of my actual pregnancies so thought it was about time! At Bloom Baby Classes we are now starting to see mum’s back with their second baby which is wonderful to see and some of you may be now thinking about baby number 2.
First time pregnancy – I knew exactly which foods I couldn’t eat, and was religious about avoiding them. Soft cheeses? No way! Runny eggs? Hell no!!
Second time – I have a vague idea of the foods I should avoid, but to be honest we were still co-sleeping with our 18 month old! I would ask Mr J “why do french women eat cheese when their pregnant? Will it be OK to eat some salmon?” I was much more relaxed and figured cheese wise I would just avoid unpasteurized. I was a lot more lazy about the whole thing second time round.The guidelines had changed within that small timescale anyway. (this isn’t medical advice always follow NHS guidelines folks"!”
Third time - With a 3 year old a 1 year old toddling around I was far too exhausted to even cook from scratch!! I drank a small glass of wine some evenings as it was my only sanity! By the time the girls were in bed I was far too tired to even think about food so M&S became our savior. In the daytime biscuits and cake would help my lagging body survive the day!
First time pregnancy – I worked full time in an office, 8.30-6pm Monday to Friday and beavered away, desperate not to drop any balls or compromise the quality of my work, despite feeling nauseous / exhausted / in later stages, like a whale. Terrified of not having an income or job to come back to after my maternity leave.
Second time – I walked out of above job after sitting for weeks at my desk feeling nauseous and realizing that life was too short. I needed to slow the heck down!! I missed my baby and full-time work was not for me.
Third time - I was self employed as a child minder as it meant I could be at home with my children and still earn something to contribute towards the bills. Being around children made me smile I only wished I could nap in the day like they did!
First time pregnancy – I was so organised. I’m pretty sure that by four months pregnant, I’d already spent hours researching prams, car seats and cots. I’d started buying things from a baby bath to muslins, even though I wasn’t totally sure what muslins were for - how could I not know! I bought about 2 dozen and boy was I glad I did!
Second time – I know I’ve got some stuff in the loft, I know I’ve got some stuff to buy, I know I need to do some research because there are so many new things available since I was last pregnant, but have I looked into any of it? Nope. Unlike last time, I know you can get by with minimal STUFF so while I will do some research and buy some new things, I’m not in a panic about it.
Third time - I hope its a girl! Let it be another girl so we don’t have to buy a thing! I’m too tired and skint to buy anything!! Boys are OK with a red pram ? What about pink baby gros? Let it be pink!
First time pregnancy – I had a fairly normal social life, you know aside from those first few weeks where I was green with nausea . But once that had gone during my mid trimester, I went to the pub with my friends, I went shopping at weekend for new baby things, lets show this bump off!!
Second time – Well - social life? Whats one of those?!.
Third time - As above, anyone who wants to sit in a pub drinking lime and soda at 8pm???? 8pm?? who goes out at 8pm????!
First time pregnancy – Every twinge I felt, in my stomach area, worried me. Is something wrong? Google helped or didn’t help. Messaging my friend who had had a baby every single damned day. .”is this normal TMI!”
Second time – I’m so much more relaxed. This is a walk in the park - just do not try think about the birth!
Third time - I was being monitored third time around as Honey baby number two was almost 10lbs! I was tired, fed up and grumpy. I had SPD and felt constantly tired but the time just flew I had barely any time to check baby centre I knew it all !! An absolute pro!
First time pregnancy – I pre-washed every item of clothing I bought for my baby. Before she even arrived, my house was covered in tiny pieces of laundry, hung up to dry I was Super-mum most definitely.
Second time – At about 37 weeks I got all the clothes out of the wardrobe, stuck them all in the wash together and folded them into another pile of things that would one day get put away.
Third time - “This can be worn again can’t it?” “oh that’ OK just a small stain they are only in them two minutes it will be fine” Most of the clothes missing, lost in a wardrobe somewhere. Hand me down Kate third time around.
I’d love to hear how your pregnancy’s were different and if you have more than 3 how it changed again from there! Drop your comments below.
Author Victoria Jennings, owner/founder of Bloom Baby Classes. Multi Sensory Baby development classes .